Co-dependency has become a commonly used word over the last 20 years, but do you know what it really means? And what are the warning signs that might tell you that you or someone else might be co-dependent
Co-dependency arises when you're subjected to an oppressive set of rules over a prolonged period of time. You become so dependent on these rules that it prevents you from expressing your true feelings, or even being aware of them. It also prevents you from honestly discussing your own personal and interpersonal problems, because the rules do not allow this.
A common symptom of co-dependency is a preoccupation with extreme dependence on another person. It often manifests as so-called "people pleasing" where you'll do anything to please the person in question. You probably feel responsible for making that person happy and when this doesn't happen, you feel guilty and believe that there must be something wrong with you. Underneath the people-pleasing mask, this extreme dependence on another person's approval can eventually become a pathological condition, affecting both your relationship with yourself and your relationships with other people
The core issue for co-dependents is boundary violation. When you have weak boundaries, you often feel responsible for other people's thoughts and feelings, but are unaware of your own. Weak boundaries allow others to physically, emotionally and intellectually violate you and lead to a sense of being overwhelmed. What's more, you don't even realize that this is happening.
On the other hand, when your boundaries are intact, you recognize your own feelings, thoughts and realities, and you don't confuse them with others. You know who you are in relation to other people and you can get close to others without allowing them to violate you in any way.
Boundary violation occurs frequently in dysfunctional families, especially in families of alcoholics. Everyone's attention is focused on the dysfunctional parent so that the emotions and needs of the rest of the family are ignored. You learn to match your moods to the mood swings of the dysfunctional parent and to put their needs first, thereby neglecting yourself. With this constant focus on someone else, you never develop the inner resources you need to feel, think or behave effectively in your life.
Your emotional boundaries, which allow you to identify your feelings and express your emotions, are damaged by repeated parental rage. As a result, you mistrust your own feelings, because they are never validated.
Your physical boundaries can be violated by physical violence, incest or neglect, depriving you of a safe physical space in which to thrive and grow. In addition, you never learn how to establish secure physical boundaries for yourself.
If your parents tried to control your perceptions too tightly, you may have blurred intellectual boundaries. This means that you become dependent on your parents to think for you and that you don't develop a sense of adult responsibility.
If any of this seems familiar to you or if these issues cause you suffering or distress, there is hope that you can have satisfying and fulfilling relationships.
Please give me a call to discuss how I can help you develop healthier coping mechanisms and create stronger boundaries for yourself.
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